Do Eye Really Love Me?

It has been over a year since I have last decided to blog about my Canada’s Wunderland, and I must say 2015 was a year that one thing came clear to me. Happiness is really what you make it. I have been so used to making other people happy that I lost my happiness, or what makes me happy. I have been so caught up in what other people think of me and my disorder. Would they look at me different? Will they talk about me? How will my disorder affect my family? What about my business? How would anyone want to do business with a person who has been hospitalized for having a mental illness?

Those of you who know me know that I have many sides to my personality. At times I can be the life of the party, and at other times I can be just as happy as the fly on the wall. I have learned to accept that although I have been labeled, and stigmatized I am who I think I am. I have the power to change what I think of me. Regardless people are always going to have something to say, and I can’t change that. Some people get so caught up in watching other people’s lives that they end up loosing their own. I myself am guilty of spending too much time on social media watching as others fulfill their dreams and desires, while I allow my own to fall to the side. The comparison to others who are in my field of acting and entertainment was really damaging to my self conscious. I felt as if I was not good enough, and my life is now worthless because she has this or he has that. This damaging self destruction brought me to a place of depression, or a low as they say with mood disorders.

So I decided to sweep my desires to the corner, and believed that I would eventually pick them back up  when the time is right. I got a job working in customer service in a office in a cubicle. The  life I knew was not for me but I did it any way.  I had bills to pay and have two children to support. Although their dads are great fathers I could not count on them to pay a regular child support payment. I had to do what I had to do. The anxiety I felt every day as I drove to this job gave me an excuse to smoke cigarettes again. I would park my car and sit until the very last moment when I knew I was going to be late. Then I started missing days, and eventually I stopped going. I was actually getting really good at the job, but the job was killing me slowly on the inside. I stopped going out. Stopped talking to friends and family. I became like a hermit, and just stayed home on the couch. I could watch tv all day, but the thing about the entertainment industry in Toronto is that it’s a small world. Everyone knows everyone. Especially in  the black community it’s like a family. There would not be one day that goes by where I would not recognize someone. Someone I went to high school with, someone I went to film school with, a teacher of mine, or someone whom I have met on my pursuit of happiness. It was heart breaking knowing that I’m here on this couch and they are there on my screen. I allowed my self to get so caught up in the screen image that I forgot about the behind the scenes.

 

We all have a story to tell. It’s up to us to choose to share it or not. What we share on social media is not the total story. So today I have decided to work on my behind the scenes, and share my personal story, cause I know someone will relate. I have always been told that I have a light in me, and I never knew what it meant until now. I just believed it was because I am a star, and should be bright. That I love being on stage and getting attention, and the lights would all be on me. Now I realize the real lies. It not all about me. The world does not revolve around Christie Cooki Mango Maingot- Waghorn. I am here to share my world with the world, and hopefully change the stigma that conforms this world. Where people only believe what they see, and always have something to say. #truthis I am a lighthouse for those around me, and I will have experiences that others can relate to in order to bring light to the situation. I accept this new challenge of becoming a mental health advocate, as my journey will help others find their happiness through loving and accepting themselves as they are.

Do eye really love me?  Yes, because I accept my past, my faults, and my failures. Without darkness we would not appreciate light. Without pain there would be no joy. Without failures there would be no success. There are people fighting battles with cancer right now, people who have lost everything they have every owned, people who have hit rock bottom and have lost the will to live. What I would like to do is change that idea of thinking from what I don’t have to what I do have. What gifts do I have? What can I do? What positive things have I accomplished? How can I help those around me? When we allow ourselves to give we will receive. When we quit focusing on what we don’t have we then allow what we need to find us. It’s not going to be an easy road  but I know I have been chosen to fight a battle within myself. In order to share my experiences with those who are voice less, and need a shoulder to lean on.

Nuff Love,

 

Christie Cooki Mango Maingot – Waghorn

 

P.S Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @cookimango, @mangowellness,& @ccameracidz

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Please comment or share. Let me know what you think or if you would like a private convo email me – Cookimango@gmail.com

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Why did eye get married?

WHY did eye get married??

THIS age old question reminds me of Hollywood’s answer..the Tyler Perry film. It is such a great question that there was a sequel to the madness. To me the film hasn’t answered the question of why.. yet I still did get married. I tied the knot.. I took one for the team. I didn’t know what I was really doing. NEVER ever did I believe I would get married. My parents divorced at 15 and I vowed to never get married. I wasn’t ever interested in the idea that I could dedicate my life to someone who could end up breaking my heart..and make my whole world fall apart. I’m NOT proud to admit the fact that I haven’t seen a great marriage in my immediate circle to emulate. Yeah I watched the Cosby show,  wanted a doctor for a husband, and believed I could be as strong as Claire Hugstable. Raising children and having a career . That idea slowly faded as I never knew either of my grandfather’s and my relationship with my father dimmed with the separation from my mother. The idea that one man and one woman should be together forever seemed more and more foreign to me as the years passed by. As I started to have relationships of my own, and began to realize how cold this world is my thoughts of marriage went right out the front door. I began to advocate to all my friend’s that I would never get married. The single life is the life for me, and I was good, I was happy, very carefree, and believed this was the life I was ment to live. On March 21, 2005 at 180lbs, I gave birth to a 8lbs 15oz baby boy. His father and I were together for 2 years before he was born, and I never thought of marriage with him. The relationship was toxic, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Karma came and took him away from my presence for the first 2years of my son’s life. A blessing in disguise. I gained a lot of weight during my first pregnancy 80 lbs to be exact, and I owe it all to the greatest cook I know, my mother. We were able to bond for the first time as adults, and I realized I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to raise my son alone. I didn’t want to pay bills, cook food, and clean house alone. For the first time I felt the need to share my experiences, my life with someone. I met my third love at this time, and he showed me that I truely could find someone to love me despite the fact that I do have a child from a previous relationship. Though that relationship didn’t work out I was still open to the idea of loving one person forever.

I found love in da club when I met my husband. Though it wasn’t love at first sight as he was  not my type. I was used to picking out the darkest guys, and had a thing for African men at the time. This man was the complete opposite, the polar end of who I thought I should be with. He is a white man. In high school I was always told your pretty for a black girl…if you were white I would date you. I never believed in a million years that a white man would date me, much less ask for my hand in marriage. I had no hesitation.. no remorse..no sense of right or wrong..all I knew was this man loves me, and I love him, and he cares for my son, and we have a baby on the way. This is my chance to get it right.  I can be that good woman who has a head on her shoulders, who can raise her daughter within a two parent home, and whose son can have a male role model to look up to. Why did I get married? because I was AFRAID. afraid of the name calling, the ridicule , the insecurity of being alone. The idea was once I  get married no one will have anything to say to. me. Bwoy was I wrong the minute I wasn’t able to invite more family members to my wedding, the  moment people found out I was pregnant, the moment I gave up on my independent mentality was the moment everyone and their momma had something to say. I gave up on my hearts desires to own my own entertainment company to become the greatest actor of all time, to live my dreams in order to satisfy my need of having people look at me and laugh. I have a great fear of not being accepted by my peers, and I felt I had to go through the motions in order to live a happy life. JUST like the Cosby show, yet I was in Canada within an interracial relationship. The moment I stopped and listened to my heart was the moment I had to walk away. I walked myself to the room packed a bag and headed to the hospital. I found clarity, I found wellness, I found peace within myself. I wasn’t being fair to my husband, fair to my kids, and most importantly I wasn’t fair to myself. The real question isn’t “why did I get married?”    It’s “how can you love someone without first loving yourself?” It is impossible. Thus, I am getting a divorce. Henceforth I will be consciously aware of my love for self despite the onlookers, because people will always have something to say.

Mental health awareness.

Hello world… People of earth …. My name is Christie Natasha Maingot .. And I have been diagnosed with type 2 Bipolar disorder..  I have lived with this stigma my whole life and was able to mask my true identity through sports.. Drama.. Or jus random play with children.. I was shy as a child .. Not in front of the camera tho.. My daddy always had a camera in my face.. My god mamma taught me how to pose..n I look just like my momma…I have one younger sibling who means the world to me.. I call him my little big bro.. I am in the middle of a divorce from my marriage of 3 years…. And I have two children .. With two different fathers… As time passes things change.. But people don’t. I really don’t believe that I have changed.. I grew … I am grown.. Thanks to all the people who have affected and effected my life…I am ever so grateful for knowing what it is like to be domestically abused by a Man U love, and give ur heart to.. Thankful for the many times I have tried to end my straw existence, and couldn’t or was stopped by a loved one… I appreciate every hi, goodbye , what’s up, wha gwan, comma sava ? …. Everything that don’t kill me made me stronger… I’m feeling like Kanye .. So much to say yet running out of time… This is only the beginning of a new journey… Continue my walk with me!!!!

He can finally rest in peace... Not quiet tho... Lol
He can finally rest in peace… Not quiet tho… Lol
Livin the life I love
Livin the life I love
Me
Me

It's not what you say it's how u say it that determines how I feel…