It has been over a year since I have last decided to blog about my Canada’s Wunderland, and I must say 2015 was a year that one thing came clear to me. Happiness is really what you make it. I have been so used to making other people happy that I lost my happiness, or what makes me happy. I have been so caught up in what other people think of me and my disorder. Would they look at me different? Will they talk about me? How will my disorder affect my family? What about my business? How would anyone want to do business with a person who has been hospitalized for having a mental illness?
Those of you who know me know that I have many sides to my personality. At times I can be the life of the party, and at other times I can be just as happy as the fly on the wall. I have learned to accept that although I have been labeled, and stigmatized I am who I think I am. I have the power to change what I think of me. Regardless people are always going to have something to say, and I can’t change that. Some people get so caught up in watching other people’s lives that they end up loosing their own. I myself am guilty of spending too much time on social media watching as others fulfill their dreams and desires, while I allow my own to fall to the side. The comparison to others who are in my field of acting and entertainment was really damaging to my self conscious. I felt as if I was not good enough, and my life is now worthless because she has this or he has that. This damaging self destruction brought me to a place of depression, or a low as they say with mood disorders.
So I decided to sweep my desires to the corner, and believed that I would eventually pick them back up when the time is right. I got a job working in customer service in a office in a cubicle. The life I knew was not for me but I did it any way. I had bills to pay and have two children to support. Although their dads are great fathers I could not count on them to pay a regular child support payment. I had to do what I had to do. The anxiety I felt every day as I drove to this job gave me an excuse to smoke cigarettes again. I would park my car and sit until the very last moment when I knew I was going to be late. Then I started missing days, and eventually I stopped going. I was actually getting really good at the job, but the job was killing me slowly on the inside. I stopped going out. Stopped talking to friends and family. I became like a hermit, and just stayed home on the couch. I could watch tv all day, but the thing about the entertainment industry in Toronto is that it’s a small world. Everyone knows everyone. Especially in the black community it’s like a family. There would not be one day that goes by where I would not recognize someone. Someone I went to high school with, someone I went to film school with, a teacher of mine, or someone whom I have met on my pursuit of happiness. It was heart breaking knowing that I’m here on this couch and they are there on my screen. I allowed my self to get so caught up in the screen image that I forgot about the behind the scenes.
We all have a story to tell. It’s up to us to choose to share it or not. What we share on social media is not the total story. So today I have decided to work on my behind the scenes, and share my personal story, cause I know someone will relate. I have always been told that I have a light in me, and I never knew what it meant until now. I just believed it was because I am a star, and should be bright. That I love being on stage and getting attention, and the lights would all be on me. Now I realize the real lies. It not all about me. The world does not revolve around Christie Cooki Mango Maingot- Waghorn. I am here to share my world with the world, and hopefully change the stigma that conforms this world. Where people only believe what they see, and always have something to say. #truthis I am a lighthouse for those around me, and I will have experiences that others can relate to in order to bring light to the situation. I accept this new challenge of becoming a mental health advocate, as my journey will help others find their happiness through loving and accepting themselves as they are.
Do eye really love me? Yes, because I accept my past, my faults, and my failures. Without darkness we would not appreciate light. Without pain there would be no joy. Without failures there would be no success. There are people fighting battles with cancer right now, people who have lost everything they have every owned, people who have hit rock bottom and have lost the will to live. What I would like to do is change that idea of thinking from what I don’t have to what I do have. What gifts do I have? What can I do? What positive things have I accomplished? How can I help those around me? When we allow ourselves to give we will receive. When we quit focusing on what we don’t have we then allow what we need to find us. It’s not going to be an easy road but I know I have been chosen to fight a battle within myself. In order to share my experiences with those who are voice less, and need a shoulder to lean on.
Christie Cooki Mango Maingot – Waghorn
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